Friday, December 31, 2010

bye 2010

nice right? i love this xmas tree very much.
the most nicer i had seem this year.
hmm, time flies.
today is the last day of 2010.
this year, 2010, definitely the fucking damn year for me,
alots of bullshit happened, alots of sadness, cried, heartbroken, surgery, blablabla
all came together.
i nearly cannot breathe.
but, thanks god.
i finally can get over all of this.
i know, through all those things, i can get a better life, and also
i can grow up faster by learning so much of experience and lesson.
iam no longer teenager, iam adult,
should take the responsibility for what i did.

well, shop to complaint.
i feel better recently, although i know i need to take time on something,
but, as i said, i always believe in myself, trust on my ability,
i can do it.
keep emo and unhappy ain't helping me anything
idk what i should do, but at least i know, how i can be better.
oh ya, last sem of degree on march.
after graduate on july, *hopefully i can pass all the sub and get my degree*
i will no longer stay at bw/pg.
idk whether i can achieve my "Dream" since last 4 years or not,
seem everyone did not support me to do so,
so confuse. but anyway, i will leave pg.

2011, i hope that this will be a better year for me.
yet, i wont expect too much on this.
as i know that, things will always happen without our expectation.
so, i do not wish to plan anything,
plan is always changes as thing changes.
YOU will never BE happier than you expect.
TO change your happiness, CHANGE your expectation.
HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone,
and i'm here to welcome 2011.


Monday, December 27, 2010


belated wishes, Merry Christmas everyone. :D

今晚的聖誕, 可說是嚮往太多,期望永遠都是帶來失望的
一首首本來應該開心的歌, 我都聽得好寂寞.
一點應該屬於聖誕節的快樂, 和溫馨都沒有.
只覺得自己都好衝忙的在過平安夜.

嗯, 謝謝.
除了謝謝, 也還是謝謝
我沒想過, 一句我無心說出來的聖誕願望, 會在這一個晚上實現
煙花很漂亮.
這是我第一次那麼清楚的看到煙花,
當下, 我的心情, 有點興奮,有點嚇到, 更有點好笑.
好笑的是一個放完煙花後, 好狼狽的你.
謝謝你, 讓我在聖誕節之後的這個晚上, 看到了煙花.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

家人

有些裂痕, 發生了,就是沒有辦法補救的.
曾經, 無數的機會,無數的原諒,無數的期待和盼望
為的,或許就只是那一句: 我真的知錯了,我會改過.
但,今天,連我都開始覺得要放棄你的時候,
試問, 你....自責過嗎?
我生氣,不是因為你害了我沒有辦法準時赴約
更不是因為你害了我們都沒辦法出門
我最生氣的,是你利用了我對你的信任.
是你親手毀了我對你的信任, 和期待.
我,曾經以為可以說服你, 罵醒你
我,曾經以為那一些信息並不是你酒醉了以後亂寫的承諾
所以,我選擇給你最後那麼一次機會, 選擇讓你離開這裡,過你所要求的生活.
但,最後, 那些錢花去哪裡, 而你又做了些什麼
問你自己吧, 我們都沒權利再干涉你.

我相信, 在爸爸作出這樣的一個決定的時候
他的心,是有那麼的痛
也相信,在媽媽毫不阻止之下
她的心,是有那麼的淡
我們,沒有任何一個人可以了解到父母親的感受
也更無法體會當下他們做出這個決定的時候的真正感想
我們,再怎麼失望跟難過,都不會比他們來得更傷.
記得很小以前, 妹妹還沒出世的時候
爸爸也曾經狠心過, 但那時候, 被年小的我和姐姐阻止了
我們沒有辦法想像, 在那間家裡, 應該怎樣生存
記得, 我和姐姐隔著車窗, 一直哭, 一直哭
希望爸爸可以停下車.
當然, 你也答應過我們的.
小時候, 我們的感情, 真的很深,很好
雖然, 現在要我記憶起以前的回憶, 都很少甜蜜的
漸漸懂事以來, 就一直不斷的看到你的改變
也慢慢的疏遠了那關係.
這一次, 我們誰都沒有投反對票
相信,這可能也是所謂的, 信心一天一天的被摧毀了吧.
聽媽媽說, 爸爸從報社走出來的那殺那, 是哭的.
可想而知, 爸爸有多麼的心疼?
只是在我們面前, 他還是kin住了.
我相信, 爸爸是怎樣都不願意讓我們知道他有多麼難過的.
而我, 身為女兒的, 看到爸爸媽媽如此的堅強
我,不懂是他們裝出來的堅強
還是,他們真的看開了
我只是心疼, 為什麼爸爸媽媽要那麼的難過,就為了這樣的人.
我只是生氣, 為什麼口口聲聲說要改, 卻一次又一次弄出更糟糕的事?

我不懂, 以後的日子裡
你到底會選擇怎樣的生活方式
我只知道, 不管發生什麼事情都好, 家人永遠才是最值得你珍惜的
而你, 卻選擇這樣欺騙你家人, 利用他們對你的信任
我真的無話可說.
我們, 試過給你扶持, 試過給你機會, 試過諒解你
但, 我們不懂, 什麼時候, 你才可以真正的醒過來?
記得, 好久好久, 我們都沒有在一家人一起坐下來吃頓飯
人家說, 身在這樣的家庭裡, 應該感到很幸福, 很幸運, 也應該學習到感恩
但, 所謂家家有本難唸的經
又有多少個人真的了解我們家的情況
又有多少個人可以真的了解我們的家人
我很幸福, 因為我有著愛我的爸爸媽媽,
他們, 很疼我們, 會把所有我們想要的都滿足於我們
他們, 很愛我們, 就算我們那麼任性, 他們都很少發脾氣罵人
他們, 很容忍我們, 他們的孩子脾氣都很暴躁, 都很不好. 有時, 還有給他們臉色看
他們的孩子, 不懂得如何才是尊重他們
只會顧慮自己的感受, 我行我素,
但偏偏, 他們都很懂得包容和原諒孩子們的脾氣
他們, 做的每一件事, 其實還不是為了我們?
記得生病那段日子, 爸爸媽媽的叮嚀和提醒
記得開刀那段日子, 爸爸媽媽的照顧跟用心
到最近, 因為阿姨一句無心的話, 媽媽還怕傷害到我, 顧及我的感受. 這一些我都知道
真的, 可以做到爸爸媽媽的女兒, 我真的比很多人都來得幸運
我是很幸福的.
有些話, 有些對不起, 我從來都不會在爸爸媽媽面前說, 那是因為我們家, 本來都不走溫馨派
但, 並不代表我都不知道.
我愛爸爸媽媽, 就是永遠都那麼愛他們
我多想, 我可以用勇氣, 伸手給你們一個大大的擁抱.
可以的話, 我想, 我可以每一輩子, 都做你們的女兒.
這樣的父母親, 這樣的一個家,
你都不懂得珍惜, 你都不滿足.
我不懂, 今天以後, 我該用什麼身份看待你
我只希望, 不管以後怎樣, 請你照顧好你自己.
要不要回頭, 我們都沒權利再干涉你
你若真的醒了, 請珍惜你身邊還在關心你, 在乎你的人吧.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

加油

Love is like a puzzle.
When you're in love,
all the pieces fit but
when your heart gets broken,
it takes a while to get everything back together.

有一些難過, 我不懂表達, 所以一直只會說沒有.
有一些難過, 我一直忽視它,是因為我懂得,說出來,換來的,只是一堆我根本承受不了的傷痛.
好久以前,我甚至勇敢的以為,那一點都不會再影響我, 也甚至驕傲的歡呼,我一點都不在乎.
什麼時候,回憶那麼莫名其妙的回來了,我沒有任何防備,我只能默默接受我不保護自己的後果.

18號晚上,我和一位好朋友,感同身受的emo了整個晚上
他羨慕我可以毫無保留的哭出來, 罵出來
他說,至少哭完以後,你一定比較舒服.
罵完以後,至少對方可以知道你的難過.
但,我反而欣賞他的安靜
至少這一些痛和難過,他選擇保持沉默的讓對方不知所措.
不會有爭吵,不會有摩擦.
笑一笑以後,依然可以坦然面對.

我們2個人,面對同樣的傷害,同樣的死穴
但選擇了用一個截然不同的方式抒發出來.
他很理性,我很感性.
我們很想醉,但後來反而聊著電話到天亮.
我們,心疼對方的心疼.
我們,互相安慰,互相吐槽,互相看不起對方

但,最後我們達成了一個共識.
既然我們都那麼明白對方的辛苦,我們更應該惺惺相惜.
我很衝動的想立刻逃跑,反而我被他阻止了.
好吧,我就等你.
你,總是一個很有計劃的人.
也對,如果就這樣走了, 那只是一時的逃避,根本就不能真正的解決問題.
等你把家裡的事情都安頓好,等你安排好你的一切
等我把這裡的degree讀完,等我畢業了,
我們就走.
反正,也多那麼半年
半年以後,這一切都會停止在pg.
我們,一樣都不帶走.
加油吧,朋友
為了我們不被看不起的自尊,為了那煩惱了很久的痛苦,
我們咬緊牙根忍下去!
在我們還往這道路的途中邁進的這一段過渡期裡.
我們就要扮演導航員
絕對不讓好朋友就這樣失去方向
絕對要引導對方走出那死穴.

還有, 絕對的讓我們2個人的日曆裡面
刪除12月18號.
我們,沒有這一天.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

T-junction






-thankiew Dar for comfort me.
after talked for the half hour,
i feel better now.
iam seem like standing at the T-junction point,
neither choosing to the right nor left,
i know its kinda hard to decide,
but, nothing else i can do.

we know, its does not meant that people must appreciate it
when we show our cares or our concern sometimes
or maybe, you did it, you are hoping someone can get it
but, he does not.
its does not meant his fault, maybe you both just not match.
you want something, you hoping he to give you
yet, he want something else, he hope you to follow his way, or mayb respect his decision,
why? i could not be more independent? as people wish me to be.
i did not blame anyone, iam just blaming myself.
bcz im the one who cannot make decision right now.
thats y i emo, thats y i insomnia, thats y i choose not to face it.
im scare!
perhaps, after half years, the problems will all gone.
perhaps, after half years, i can get my way to walk.
just gimme some time to heal it.

Dar said: you must know what you really want, do not regret after u decided.
thankiew so much, at least i know, iam not alone.
Dar will always beside me, and listen to me.
perhaps, Dar cnt help me anything, yet meant something to my life when i get Dar's support.
hugz




Monday, December 13, 2010

:(

不開心的時候,我特別愛寫東西.
今天,沒有太多的傷感,只覺得一切來得太快
太快讓我擁有了,太快的我又失去了.
什麼時候,我變得那麼EQ低?
我說過,脆弱永遠只可以讓我一個人看到.
回家的路上,我在車裡哭了.
我難過,卻不敢讓他看到.
3-4個小時的路程,他駕得好累,而我,裝得好累.
我很開心,因為他回來了.
我不開心,因為我看到一個他,匆匆忙忙的來,匆匆忙忙的走
似乎一刻都不想多留.
我知道,我總是被好多好多負面的想法影響了我對他的看法,
但,有些事情,我仍然相信我的直覺.
就像這一次一樣,我猜的沒有錯.我想的,和他做的,是一樣的.

有些難過,我連說出口都不敢.
差一點,我們又吵架了.
為什麼?他不可能不懂.
可是,我的感受,其實一直以來都可以被忽略的.
說的好聽,是想做些事情讓我開心.
但,真正做到了嗎?辦到了嗎?成功了嗎?
我開心了嗎?
你卻從不曾用心聆聽過.

回去吧,回到原來就屬於你的地方.
這裡的生活,這樣的一個我,一點都不適合你.
你也不曾想過,改變.
是我想的太過於簡單,以為努力過可以換來些什麼
最後,我卻連站著的地位都沒有,更別說是住下來.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

the moment

Iam still staying up late at this moment, without any reason.
Iam super tired, but i don't wish to sleep.
guess why? Iam just very emo right now.
back from club, i did not drink lots 2night yet i feel so headache rite now.
somebody text me n asked where iam when iam still in club,
i just talking a lie to said that iam home.
no doubt, iam a bad girl. i made people disappointed on me.
seriously, i wish to get drunk, at least i don't need to think bout it anymore.
i should not take an action like this, i should not made this choice.
i've made myself in trouble again.

where i'll be in xmas? where n who i should be 2gth on xmas?
you'd made the choice for me.
feel so surprise when i heard bout it, yet feel so down too.

-am dont know how to express the feeling.
i just wish to get rid of it.
can i?

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Happy Birthday :D




Happy Birthday
Deric Chong
a.k.a
'Zhong' ZhiHong.

had celebrate his bday on last thus,
after exam.
and he keep mentioning that,
no anyone likes to celebrate bday after 21 years old.
but, you think we will care bout it?
we keep reminding you,
uncle, you are getting older ad.
haha..*evil* enough.

omg omg,
iam so miss you guys,
leechin, miss his sound, everytime he speak rude words, lol
wawa, miss him, everytime he laugh on me yet still helping me always.
deric, miss him, everytime he will be the volunteer driver and fetch us around, eat non-stop, talk non-stop and scold non-stop.
angeline, miss her, everytime she will knock my head and said im crazy, but after this she will said, luckily im surgery on leg not head. i know she is not tough enough, yet she will always pretend she is, bcz she wanted she bcm tough!
jiahern, miss her, everytime she show her kolian face when we all bully her, and of cox, she is the only one who dare to sleep in ahlau's class.
fion, miss her, everytime she shown her unwillingness face we call her: wuhaa pian pian. and always give us surprise for wearing different style cloths everyday. she looks nice everyday.
i love you guys, i do really meant so.
you guys bring the happiness for me, leads me to smile and laugh, hold me when i fall down, support me when iam helpless.
and of cox, i promise, i will always be there for you guys.

it is what we meant friendship.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Holiday

Holiday Start now!! wuhaa...finally i finished all da paper.
although, the decision making paper is damn fucking hard, and i don think i can pass also, well. its ad happened, and no way to solve.
prepare to re-sit bah, it is what in my mind rite now.
i know i cant get to pass if i loss the 33 marks in 1st question.
well well well, it is ad pass. so, accept it as well.
after the 3 weeks non-stop working, assignment and exam,
im finally down by sick. wtf....i hate this feeling much,
i tend to working today, yet i cant make it bcz of sickness.
fever, sore throat and super damn headache.
headache for few days ad, i don't know why panadol did not works at all.
aiks, i want to work, i want to earn money,
who know i need money badly recently.
how i wish i can get the job, salary rm2400 per month,
but as what fren said: ur mum will never allow you to work. stop think bout it!
yerr.........the job for me, is really acceptable, as long as i can earn tat much money in short period, am i right?
i know what iam doing, i know i wont touch it, i meant when working time,
so, why i cant work? why? just bcz of the image problem?
does the image important than money?
do not think so.
can anyone gimme a reason, why i cnt work??? piak piak*
again, stop thinking bout it. i know i have no choice.

well, i started to miss you all,
you guys make me smile everyday,
you guys bring me happiness and sweetness everyday,
i rather to study hard, work hard and do assignment hard with you guys everyday than stay at home do nothing in 3 months.
the time i spent with you guys, it bring the true me to life.
as least, i know, i can never act in font you all,
baby, just want you guys to know,
i love you guys so much~!!