If it ain't you baby

how much i wish i would not care you so much,

at least i wont feel so down rite now.

guess why? remember that you asked me few days ago,

a question which i don't wish to answer anymore.

i hate the fake hope, yes, i do really damn hate it!

once i said i will hold it tight meant that i'll never let you go,

yet, once i decided to go away, i'll never give anyone a second chance to hurt me.

this is the way how i choose to protect myself from being hurt again.

hold it tight? a question that i could never find out the answer.

why? i'm so scare about the promises. it's just disappointed me once and once again.

no matter the answer is yes or not, i won't be happy.

i'm scare to hold it, yet i dun wish to lost it.

perhaps, i am just need a big courage to get over it.

still remember the response that you gave to me when i said i'm emo again bcz of this matter,

seriously, it had make me feel so down and disappointed.

again, i can feel the irresponsible on you. i know you need the freedom,

i know, you never like someone to control on you.

that's why, i never try to break this limit, as i know i'm not able to do this.

i was so failed. i choose to smile with you, iam fake enough.

i choose to hide my sadness, i cannot heal it well.

you will never know how cruel it is when i know i cnt fix it.

how much i wish i can fix it well, how much i wish i can make you n me smile,

how much i wish i can feel your happiness and sadness,

i felt so sad when i saw you down.

my mind keep blank when you said you are the one who did so wrong.

you said sorry, but i don't want any apologize.

you are not sorry at all.

you said you care, but idk what you actually care for?

idk what response i should give when i heard you said you are actually care it so much. i just feel so funny, really.

your way to show your care, i cnt really feel it.

so, i choose the most easy way, i keep ignoring everything.

as long as you are happy with what you did, then keep on.

B asked me, are you coming to penang to work?

idk. i wish to leave penang, i do really dun like to stay at peneng anymore.

B will going to kl next month, i will definitely bored die that time.

again, i have to think bout it. what way i choose to stay? idk.

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby

Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you.

无题

脑海里,反复回想昨晚发生的一切

我不停的想,不停的问

这一次,又是我太一时冲动了.

我不允许自己的脆弱被任何人看到,当然在某些人的呵护下,我往往会更脆弱.

每一件事,其实都在提醒自己,伤口不会愈合,就算你多么努力

我以为,把胶布撕下来的那一刻

我有勇气去面对它的丑陋

结果一看,我却哭了

头被轻轻的摸着,耳朵被一堆安慰的话环绕着

我难过吗?谁懂,伤口的痛一直以来我都默默忍受着

就算是要哭,我也强逼自己转过身,不让任何人看到.

这一次,我再次面对这个伤口,我以为我够勇敢了

结果,我还是不行.

我哭到不行.

我不爱听对不起,

每一次的对不起,都代表着我必须原谅

我不爱听那一些自以为为了我好却拼命的告诉我怎样做才是对的

我不爱做那一种连自己都骗不了自己却还很骄傲的以为我很成功的骗了别人的笑容

那,什么才是我想要的?

我不知道.

我只知道,此时此刻每一件事情都不可能让我开心

没有为什么,我只是恨我自己每一次都把最不勇敢的我呈现出来

很累的驾着车回到家,很累的睡着了

昨晚,一整晚都没睡到

凌晨5点钟,我驾着车,走在那条高路上

路上只有一辆车,安静到引擎声那么清晰的就被听到

回想电话里头的对话,回想起虽然不是第一次听,但每一次听到都不能够开心起来的话

回想起那2次输了的自尊,回想起那2次努力说服自己没关系的烂借口

我,渴求些什么?

被伤害过的,留下来的伤口,就算多久以后,它一直都存在着

提醒着自己,它不可能被遗忘.

assignment

ok.

收拾心情,

好好的做Assignment

剩不到48个小时

我还要呕出2500个字.

现在

要跟IKEA谈恋爱了.

林慧萍

不要给别人看不起,

就给我争气一点.

aZa,fighting~!!!

加油.

脆弱

长时间以来,我们都被灌输太多所谓的道理

从小,我们都必须知道,什么是对的才可以做,错的不可以做

做错的人,一定要懂得道歉

做错事情,一定要改过

人家才会给你机会.

但,有些错误,是你犯下了,永远都不会有机会给你再袮补的.

有些伤害,并不会随着时间就被淡忘的

是我太傻了,还是我强迫自己去傻?

我逼自己去放下仇恨,当我觉得我可以放下了的时候

却偏偏我被一首又一首歌给打败.

我在意,我在乎,我耿耿于怀

为什么?为什么不是我?那为什么又是我?

我追求的,是一份信任

我向往的,是一份依赖

我渴望的,是一份关心

我希望的,是一切都可以很完美的如我所谓

但,我不能.

因为我不是那个该被关入去重要价值的人

我不该存在在那个地位

所以,一首首的情歌,都不属于我

所以,每一位女主角都不可能是我

也所以,我会那么难过.

其实,脑海里面围绕着同一个问题

但,我不想写出来

难过是可以掩饰的,我却偏偏选择把它展示出来

我哭,是压力,也更是因为我难过.

心里最真实的答案,我是真的很受伤

我所在意的地方,在意的人,在意的事

为什么偏偏永远都不能得到重视?!!

如果是难过可以喝酒,心情不好可以动C.I

那多好. 我可以什么都不管的喝个痛快,动得开心.

对于你,

想起了我的嘴角会上扬

是因为那是幸福的症状

还是恶梦的开始?

我控制不好自己的情绪

所以才有会那封信息的存在

冷静下来以后,我发现那没什么大不了

我不被我自己打败,我就已经很成功了

至少这一刻,我告诉自己

只要我相信,我就可以办得到

哪怕,再多么孤单一个人,都要告诉自己

这一段过渡期,我一定可以熬过的

像某人说过那样

你可以心软,你可以原谅,但你绝对不可以脆弱

因为你的脆弱只会给别人更多的机会去伤害你.

私心-眼

为什么会在这一刻打部落?

明明就还有很多的asignment没有做,明明就知道还剩不多时间给自己

为什么就是那么没有心的想要去动它呢?

我真的不懂.

一整天,心情都不怎么好

为了assignment,我真的很压力,但压力并没有造成任何的推动力

我还是很懒惰..我想,不到做到爆肝的那一天,我都不懂得害怕..

该死的Assignment,你害人不浅.

再加上,前个sem的那一个moral,差一点都被你弄到我不能毕业..我快疯掉了.

前几天,都在做工.

这一次的parttime job虽然说是很辛苦很累,每天还要一早爬起来赶去pg

但是,也因为这样,我看懂了好多以后出来社会工作会面对的问题

人,都是有私心的

没有人会为了别人,完全忽略了自己的利益

当我们听到那一句,做工不是为了钱的..打从心里都觉得讽刺

不为钱,难道真的为了跟你有情吗?

所谓的私心,也只不过是人性的丑陋

你把人性想得太完美,是你自己笨而已

要记得,谎言永远是最美的,只有实话才会那么难听

体验了这一切之后,我明白,做工真的没有所谓的公平

你付出的,未必就会有这样的回报

就算老板给你少工钱,你能怨什么

怨就怨,你不是老板.

记得那一句名言

当你看别人不顺眼的时候,就是你自己的修养不够高

连续听了这番话6-7次

我都把它记下来了

看开,你才不会讨厌人. 看开,你才不会没有修养. lol

我问:是不是当你看别人不爽的时候,同时间别人也会看你不爽

这是真的.

当对方笑笑的跟你打招呼了以后,你才肯放下防备的对他微笑

我说:我们都把墙建得太高了,也难怪,我们又不是第一次遇到有心计的人

怎么不防备呢?

一个人对你好,可以完全没有机心,也可以是处处想陷害你

看懂了,你才认清什么所谓知心朋友

他出卖过你,不管多久以后,他都有可能再出卖你.

不要当笨蛋,就记得提醒自己你也没有很聪明.

越是以为自己聪明的人,其实才是最笨的.

asignment,我真的不想你把我搞垮

虽然我真的很懒惰,很没有心情,很没有毅力的想要去动你

但,为了不让你把我ko

在你ko我之前,我一定先要把你给ko掉.

asignment

oh ya, i finally finished research method asignment at this moment.

wuhoo~~

i had really put a lots of effort on this assignment, ya..im serious!

fren asked me: lol, first time see you do assignment like tat, nid so serious bo?

abo then? i jz HATE the result i get in the 1st n 2nd sem,so i'd promise myself,

wont let it happen anymore.

finished the 1st assignment in the semester, coming with more assignment. lol

CIM asignment is the next, follow by CFM and also 3 final paper.

after that, i've 3 months holiday..

i dislike holiday, i love to see my baby everyday. hearts.

what i'll do in the holiday? where i'll be in the holiday?

mayb, i'll not in bw for quite a long time. why? it's a secret.

yet, i don't think i'll make it successful, since dad n mum mayb will not allow me to do so. lol

anyway, will find a part time job on DEC. i need MONEY badly.

oh..well well well...

i know its look......not that good....yet i should accept it.

lols...today is the first day i see it, finally i know how it looks like after 1 month.

mum keep telling me, it's ok girl....nothing to sad.

but, i do really mind it, care it, and sad bout it.

do not know how to express that feeling, i trying to ignore it, although i know it's hard to make it.

anyway, i should accept it, as one part of my body.

i'll love you, my dear.

Assignment~!! do not ever try to give up on me, as i'll love you and done you in a very right way..

who knows?

无意间,我从一个网站中,看到一句让我印象很深刻的话

'要成長 你要讓你的現在和未來跟你的過去截然不同。你的過去不是你的命運'

说的太对了

人往往之所以失败,之所以太执着放不开,那是因为我们不舍得

不舍得把以前留在过去,却偏偏爱让过去的回忆很霸道的在我们每天的生活当中游走

认为美好的就应该留下来,认为值得的就应该珍惜

谁又知道, 你个人认为的美好和值得

在别人的眼中,有多么的渺小.

不应该太执迷不悟了,我们都不小了.

趁着做assignment的空档,我跟朋友讨论了一个'过去式'

原来我在意的不是现在如何,而是为什么以前可以的,现在都变得不可能

越想忘记那种痛,却偏偏牢牢记在脑海里

记得,那天下午,看到某个句子后,我的心情低落了好多

我认真的把他当朋友,却偏偏,我做错了那么多.

记得,那天晚上,接到某个电话,我的心情矛盾了一阵子

我认真的看待整件事情的来龙去脉,却偏偏,我什么努力都做完了以后,才发现自己如此的狼狈

对于友情,我从不隐瞒自己的在乎

对于爱情,我从不违背自己的原则

每一天,带着恨,讨厌,生气的心情对着你,我好累

选择原谅,不是因为我真的释怀了,而是我不想让我们都那么累

以后就算各走各的,至少我清楚的知道,我不带走任何了伤害和难过

这些年,因为学习到八面玲珑,而用宽容来欺骗自己的委屈

我想说的是, 我没有多余的力量去不喜欢一个人

我爱,我身边的每一位朋友,家人

我喜欢,我每天都可以拥有开心的生活

一开始,百分百的信任和付出

我只哀求别那么残忍的对待我所给予的信任

那会诋毁了我的自尊,和尊严.

回不去的过往,我不会再惦记着它

不否定它的存在,但会尽量忽视它

一些隐藏在心里面的伤口,还是留给时间帮我慢慢痊愈

不管现在还有多少我在意的话语,我相信,有一天,那都会过去的.

回归最初的感动,至少我们曾经拥有过.

大了,必须懂得世界上,所有的事情都不可能百分百的完美

也不能如你所愿的发生

如果,上天真的只允许你拥有那么多,也只允许你拥有过却还把它收回

为什么,不尝试珍惜你有的,哪怕就只是那么少

为什么,不努力的争取想要的,哪怕有多么的遥远

埋怨,生气,愤怒,甚至怀恨

都不可能让自己开心

这,我绝对懂得.

放过自己吧.

我放过我自己了,你们呢?

mood-y

Seriously,i got no mood to do assignment now.

how and why it will happen? i knew clearly.

no one can understand the feeling as me.

trying hard to not allow the tears to flow,trying harder to persuade myself it will be okay, forcing myself not to think about it anymore.

BUT, my heart is broken. seriously pain right now. AND i am so lost.

can someone tell me, what and how i should do?

tot time can heal, tot i can face it, tot i am tough enough to bear it

YET, i am lost at this moment.

until the moment coming, i just ask myself try to escape from it.

WHY? why? why?

1000 and 1000 questions in my heart, 1000 and 1000 answer i am waiting for

but until now, what is the point to ask for?

alots of expectation i had before, alots of promises i heard before

AND now, alots of disappointment i get finally.

how cruel it is? and the most funny is i cannot blame anyone.

WHY still giving others a chance to hurt you when you know how painful the hurt is?

WHY still put hope on others when you know how sad to get disappointment?

WHY still pretend you are ok when you understand you are actually not ok at all?

this moment, how i wish i can slap myself for the mistake.

i should not, i should not did so much!

BE honest, this is not an excuse, of course i know.

after i read those text, i understand there is no other solution.

i have to get through this.

i need a lots of courage to walk away, and to forget it.

i have been lugging for months and i realize today,

that people does not meant to argue with you sometimes, it is just we both do not know how to communicate.

WHY,

people need to care about me?

WHY,

people have to concern about me?and

WHY,

people have to ask for your opinion

To put it bluntly, i just care too much until i cannot undertake it.

-TAKE a DEEP breath.

i will know the way that i should go after this.

always believe in myself.

november

hallo nov, finally you are here. :)

Nov, definitely a busy month for me. lots of asignment i nid to complete, 2 case study and another one research asignment. yet i haven start either one.

gonna to die 99 this time.

TAKE a breath. Nothing is imposible.

better to start my work this week! no more entertainment,no more lazy life,

just WORK hard for asignment.

after finish 3 asignment, final exam is the next. lol

marketing student only taking one final exam which hold 20% but

ME, as a IBM student, have to take another finance paper which 100%. die 99 agn.

sumore i have to take moral paper which i had skip when y2sem1.

god...can you expand 24hours per day to 48hours?

i'm scare i have no enuf time.

angel asked me: i dont know why u stress for..?nothing to scare la phing.

i hope so.

keep reminding myself: Phing arr....last mins make perfect. as you always do.lol....

estella, i know you can and please prove it to me!!!

no matter how hard it is, you gonna tell yourself that you can get through it.

it is already PAST, you should know you cannot give anyone a chance to hurt you for twice.

no one can feeling the pain as you, especially those never care about how you feel when you need support, so. think about it.

TIME　CAN　HEAL.